But why wait for rapport to happen naturally? why not go straight into synchronizing other people's behavior as soon as you meet them? Why not invest 90 seconds or less of your time to establish rapport by design?
Look around any restaurant, coffee shop, mall or other public place where people meet each other and look around to see which ones are "in rapport" and which ones aren't. The ones who have rapport sit together in the same way. Notice how they lean toward one another. Notice their leg and arm positions. Those in rapport are synchronized almost like dancers: one picks up a cup, the other follows; one leans back, the other does the same; one talks softly, the other talks softly. The dance goes on: body position, rhythm, tone of voice.
Now look for those people who are clearly together but not synchronized, and observe the differences. Which pairs or groups appear to be having a better time?
I recently gave a speech at an auditorium in London, and right there, about 10 rows back, was a beautiful couple. Both were immaculately dressed, with great attention to color and detail. When I noticed them, they were sitting in the identical position, leaning to the right with their hands folded close to their respective armrests.
Then, as if responding to a prearranged signal, they both transferred their weight onto the other armrest, like synchronized swimmers, nodding and smiling in unison.
They confirmed everything I was saying. I caught up with them afterward and learned that they had been married for 47 years; they were fit, healthy, happy and totally synchronized.
Our goal, then, is to discover the structure of synchrony and modify it to apply to the different types of people we meet. The key to establishing rapport is learning how to synchronize what Professor Mehrabian called the three "V's" of consistent human communication—the visual, the vocal and the verbal—in order to connect with other people by becoming as much like them as possible.
But doesn't this mean I'm being phony or insincere?
No. Remember that we're only talking about a minute and a half! You're not being asked to engineer a total and permanent personality change. All you will be doing is synchronizing another person to put him or her at ease and thus speed up what would happen naturally if you had more time. The idea is not to make your movements, tone and words obvious copies of the other person's, but rather to do the same kind of thing you do with a friend.
Synchronizing skills are really nothing more than a connecting device to our greatest resource: other people. As we are instinctively drawn toward one another, be it to get cooperation or emotional feedback or to have our physical needs met, synchronizing speeds up our mental unification.
Often, when you travel in a foreign country, the plug of your hair dryer or electric shaver will just not fit into the outlet—you need an adapter to make it work, a connecting device that will let you plug the thing in and power it up. It's precisely the same thing when you plug into other people. Like the hair dryer or the electric shaver, you must have an adapter. So think of synchroniz- ing as an adapting device that allows you to make smooth connections at will and quickly. Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with you. You just do what they do; you become like them until the other person thinks, I don't know what it is about this person, but there's something I really like! Think of synchronizing as rowing your boat alongside another person's rowboat, pointing it in the same direction at the same speed and picking up the other person's pace, stroke, breathing pattern, mood and point of view. As he rows, you row.
One evening a few years ago, I was sitting in the chalet of a ski club, waiting for my two youngest children to finish night skiing. Suddenly in walked a neighbor, a lawyer who had been on polite "nodding" terms with my family.
When I saw him arrive, I made up my mind to try out some simple synchronizing on him. I decided on the outcome I wanted (remember, know what you want) and that I would continue synchronizing until he made a definite gesture of friendship. I calmly stood up and he spotted me. We met in the middle of the large room.
"Hi there," he said with a tight-lipped smile as he shook my hand.
Matching the tone of his voice, his grimace and his body stance, I echoed: "Hi there!" He placed one hand on his hip, and with the other pointed out the chalet window. "Just waiting for my kids to finish!"
"Me, too," I said, mirroring his gestures. "I'm waiting for my kids to finish."
I synchronized him, respectfully, for less than 30 seconds of normal, innocent conversation. Then he suddenly blurted out, "You know something? We really don't see enough of you and your family. Why don't you come by for dinner one night?"
We set the date right there and then. I could almost read what had happened by the way his mouth twisted.
He was thinking, There's something about this guy I really like, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Obviously, if he felt I'd been copying him, he'd have never issued the invitation!
I had approached him with a Really Useful Attitude of warmth that, even though I was synchronizing him, I kept fairly close to the surface. I faced him and immediately took on his overall posture and used similar gestures and facial expressions. The vocal part, his voice tone and speed, was easy to fall in with. And I used similar words. It sounds more complicated than it actually was. The whole thing took only a few seconds. It was fun and it felt good. I really did want to get to know him better, and this seemed the perfect opportunity. I'm sure we both experienced the thrill
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